...but here I am.
I am a girl, a woman, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mama*, a friend, an artist. None of these personalities is greater than the other, although I have to admit I haven't always given each their due and proper attention at all times.
So many people am I that I'm not sure which to be at any given time. At the very least, I am attempting to be three of these ladies in the same moment and space. Whichever of these women I seem to be in tandem we are all journeying to the same far off place. The journey we are on is one of lost and found (or at least finding). As with many people my age or any age, for that matter, I've experienced my gamut of loss.
Loss of innocence
Loss of faith- in God, in self, in love
Loss of a parent
Loss of a child before formal introductions
Loss of my way
Loss of my fearlessness
Loss of friendships
The loss of these people and things was certainly not searched out or wanted. I surely didn't set out to lose them. I do know that loss is an inextricable part of life. Knowing doesn't make the losses any less painful.
There are things I want to lose. You know the usual suspects-
weight
self doubt
the nagging ache in my lower back
useless people
my obsession with the past--- (and not in the
grand fashion that creates great art)
I am rambling and you've lost interest. Before you turn away let me tell you about the found/finding portion of this journey. The following list is not finite. After all, this is a continuing trip.
I've found the undeniably soul-encompassing joy of seeing my children's smiles first thing in the morning.
I'm finding delight in doing jumping jacks with my six year old ... and believe me that is not an exercise I've done much of in the past couple of decades.
I'm finding solace in the clutter created by new artistic passions.
I'm finding love, again and again and again and again and again...
I've found lasting friendships with kindred spirits.
I've recognized 4 milestones in my life as moments of birth/rebirth. As I travel this long and meandering road, I am certain I will discover other moments, literal and figurative, of birth and rebirth.
This day is one of those milestones. Today is the day I choose to accelerate onto the on-ramp to the highway of my life. On this day, six years ago, we welcomed an eight pound 15 ounce bundle of rambunctious joy into our world. A Me, I barely recall now, was replaced with a sappy, sentimental, love-struck, mama in love with tiny feet.
Happy Birthday my sweet, funny, all-at-once-cuddly-adorable-huggable-exasperating-smart-insightful-bundle-of-crazy-Son. You are one of the reasons I take this leap of faith on a journey of uncertainty in search of freedom. In search of Me.
'Who is this?' you're asking. My name is Ndidi
a girl
a woman
a daughter
a sister
a wife
a mama
a friend
an artist
a hothouse posey.
I and my many selves are working on being the artist God intended us to be. As our journey continues, follow the purpose-filled wandering and occasional head-in-the-clouds meandering. Me, myself and I (& I & I & I & I & I) will discover just what makes us tick.
I hope you will come along for the ride.
*the sound of mommy is the equivalent of Joan Crawford and Chucky each chasing me down for a deadly hug.
